What can abolish racism? L-O-V-E

See, it’s not about races just places

Faces

Where your blood comes from is where your space is

I’ve seen the bright get duller

I’m not going to spend my life being a color

~L.T.B., on Michael Jackson’s “Black or White”

This is a love story.  Well, it’s actually two love stories.  In one respect, it’s in the traditional style:  boy meets girl, etc.  In another sense, it’s as outside-the-box as it gets…because of the way our society has conditioned all of us to view each other.  The story you’re about to read is true.  No names were changed, because none of us are innocent from racial programming.

He saw her on his first day of work.  Fighting nerves, with a desire to impress and fit in, he listened as his new co-workers described the details of his new duties, as well as a brief synopsis of the political environment in which he’d have to work.  It was 1989; he was the first African-American in recent memory to serve as part of the Kansas City management team…a precedent within the Ritz-Carlton hotel corporation.  Other managers and employees passed through the lobby where he stood, without breaking stride:  Gift Shop supervisor.  A housekeeper.  Rooftop Restaurant.  Lobby Lounge assistant manager.  Front Office manager.  A concierge.  Catering director.  She was the only one who stopped, and introduced herself, recognizing that a new face was present.  As the Room Service manager, she rarely ventured out of her office in the main kitchen; it would have been understandable had she not noticed.  But, she did – and, unbeknownst to them both, launched a timeless romance. 

As the months progressed, he would join her for the occasional work lunch.  Sometimes, they found themselves sitting together during managers’ meetings.  A few times, they joined a group of co-workers after hours at one of the local watering holes on the Country Club Plaza.  They were colleagues, and respected each other as such.  It’s likely each recognized that the other embodied qualities that one would identify as attractive, but they never really saw each other as anything more than a good friend.  One day, fortune found these two professional people alone with one another, discussing their individual romantic prospects…and realized that, for whatever reason, they never gave a thought to dating each other.  They felt comfortable being friends and colleagues, but had never even considered a relationship.  They both knew the reason:  he was a black man; she was white woman.  Neither uttered it out loud…but, they knew.  Arguably the most racially-diverse – and racially-divided – country in the world, the United States was extremely uncomfortable with the concept of what some refer to as miscegenation.  Acutely aware of this fact, neither had ever dated outside of their race before; the concept was so foreign, it was the first time either person ever considered the idea.  So, they decided they would just continue to casually “hang out” together, figuring they’d enjoy the other’s company for as long as they could…until the other shoe dropped.  It never did.

After weeks of “hanging out” with perhaps his best friend, he was first to vocalize what both had been feeling:  whatever “this” is, it wasn’t just casual.  This was real.  Despite all efforts to avoid getting too serious, it happened.  Without prior planning or thought, he uttered the carefully-avoided “love” sentiment before he knew what he said.  Once he said it, he didn’t try to take it back.  He didn’t apologize.  He was just as surprised he said it as she was to hear it.  She couldn’t immediately reflect the comment back to him; she wasn’t ready.  Maybe, she wasn’t sure in that moment; about a week later, she was.  Now, the stakes were raised.  Two young people, in love, happy to have found each other, with a “problem” beyond their ability to affect:  society said their love was ”wrong.” 

Of course, there are two segments of society who have different justifications for why interracial relationships aren’t warmly embraced (and, let’s face it:  whenever that euphemism is used, it relates to a black/white union; a German marrying a Brazilian is interracial, but not necessarily viewed as such).  Just like most things involving race, white people view interracial relationships differently than black people – but both share a mutual mistrust for these types of unions.  This is what both feared:  since most of the people in their respective orbits lived by the racial mores of the day, the responses from folks they cared about would be guarded, at best.  At one point, they both considered walking away from each other, to save their families from having to cope with such an uncomfortable scenario.  Ultimately, it came down to this:  God brought these two people together, for whatever reason.  Neither believed that their ability to love someone could be controlled in order to prevent “loving” outside of the label assigned to their skin pigmentation.  In all other categories – spiritually, politically, upbringing, and the all-important “hopes-and-dreams” – these two people were as compatible as any two folks could be.  Should skin color – and the accompanying issues of seeing black with white, hand-in-hand – prevent a man and a woman from growing in their love for one another? 

She told her parents, and he told his.  Both sets were raised in a world pre-Civil Rights; as such, this foursome had a greater understanding of the taboo issues that would face their children…and future grandchildren.  If she had to guess, her mom and dad wouldn’t exactly object, but they’d want her to know that they would spend some sleepless nights worrying about what the future holds for such a pairing.  He didn’t have to guess:  he knew his family – especially every black woman related to him – would have much to say against this relationship.  He was right, and they all had their say.  What no one could answer was the question keeping this couple committed to one another:  If finding “true love” is as precious, as rare, as sacred as everyone knows it to be – at least, that’s what the people at eHarmony want us to think! – then why should they abandon what’s in their heart, in order to satisfy society?  Should these two people just accept blind, racial hatred as the source of their eventual downfall?  Or, should they stand behind their love for one another as a proof to the lie of those attitudes?  They chose love over taboo compliance.  The funny part:  they both found that, after the months of hand-wringing over how their relationship would be received (by friends, by family, and by the world), their decision to respect their deep feelings for one another – despite the ramifications they may or may not have to face – was surprisingly easy.  

The good news:  this man and woman are just like all of us.  We have choices to make.  Sometimes, those choices go against the prevailing societal winds.  History is littered with individuals who made decisions that were contrary to contemporary beliefs, practices and norms.  At the time, these choices were considered at best risky – or, at worst, dangerous.  Today, the names of Noah, Socrates, Christopher Columbus, Martin Luther, Marie Curie, Mahatma Ghandi, and Barack Obama, to name just a few, have been exonerated for remaining steadfast in their beliefs.  It’s just sad that, with so many people in this country calling themselves followers of the ultimate “maverick” – Jesus Christ – that race is still an issue 2,000 years after he was born to save ALL people. There are still pockets of American society where the notion that people of two different races can be compatible as a couple is vigorously resisted – as evidenced this past summer by a Louisiana justice of the peace.  For those who know that racism remains alive and well in the U.S., a public servant refusing to do his job on personal grounds is not really front-page news. 

The moral of the story:  love is the cure for racism.  Period.  This is not to suggest that there needs to be more interracial relationships; I only mean to say that love helped this couple overcome racism, just as love helped civil rights proponents overcome the bitterness and bigotry of those who wished to maintain an institution that deprived and degraded 12% of its fellow citizens.  Love continues to serve as the source of comfort, hope, and inspiration for all who seek justice and equality to this day.  This very blog site is dedicated to the exploration of race as a sacred conversation.  The Internet – the 21^st century library! – contains countless sources on the topic from which to study.  Our collective desire to learn about one another is a good starting point, but understanding and tolerance are but way stations along the journey.  The destination is peace; love is the only fuel powerful enough to get us there. 

Curious as to how this particular love story ends?  Well, they had a fairy-tale wedding in St. Thomas.  Together, they raised her daughter from a previous marriage (itself a white/brown pairing!) into a responsible, independent adult.   Their two school-age children are well-adjusted, happy individuals who are taught that, while the world will call them black, they should consider themselves “the best of both worlds.”  On November 4, the couple will celebrate the 20^th anniversary of their very first date.  Their lives are far from perfect, and they are not themselves 100% “cured” — they both still harbor racist thought processes, learned over years of indoctrination – but, together, they’re making progress.  As for anyone left out there who has a problem with a black man and a white woman loving each other…well, that’s gonna have to remain their issue. 

You see, my wife and I refuse to make it ours.

~Brian

Advertisement